What If It Were Cancelled By a Troop of Feces-Stained Gibbous Monkeys Moonlighting As Network TV Executives?

by Mike on 12/20/2006

in Best of Release, Perpetual Beta : Release, The Toxic Soup We Call Pop Culture

So it’s 9:30-ish on Wednesday night, and my TV is off, because instead of Day Break, ABC is running repeats of the George Lopez show. As if that crap gets funnier with age, like Mad Dog or Night Train.

It seems that the dentally-disadvantaged inbreds used to determine the Nielsen ratings stopped watching the show after the wrap-up of its former lead-in, Dancing With Minor Space Debris (actual title may vary). Because, you know, that’s the target audience for a drama with a complicated plot, multiple levels of existential angst, and a cast that could turn in an honest-to-goodness acting performance (with the peculiar exception of the lead, Taye Diggs, whose primary method seemed to be emulating the whiny 16-year-olds on that MTV birthday party show instead of an actual tough guy like say, Jack Bauer. Or Jack Shepard. Or even Jack Black, for God’s sake. But I digress.)

Now, this is a show that ABC ordered for an entire run of 13 episodes. They’ve already paid for the whole run. Not just the season – the whole show. It ends after thirteen. (Well, six.) ABC didn’t have to axe the show entirely. They could have moved it to a different time slot, like Friday, or Sunday, or Saturday, when no one’s actually watching anyway but anyone with a TiVo could at least optionally catch the rest of the plot. Even four in the morning would work. It wouldn’t have cost them another dime, and they could have suckered some poor schmuck of an advertiser to but that slot. But no. They’re not showing it on the network at all. What are they doing?

Releasing it on the Internet. Well, guess what, ABC? The old TV-and-Internet combo sucked back when Microsoft called it WebTV, and it still sucks now. Let’s see… I could watch a mystery/action thriller on my Samsung widescreen with Marantz-powered surround sound pumping through Boston Acoustics subwoofer and surround speakers, or I could watch it on my 17″ laptop screen with 2″ speakers on either side of the keyboard – a keyboard which, since it’s on a PowerBook, glows.

Oh yeah, give me that show on the Internets, ABC! Me love you long time for that!

Well, screw you, ABC. You’re definitely getting Dick in a Box for Christmas this year.

And since ABC can’t be trusted not to cancel quality television in the face of a ratings sag – I don’t even trust them not to axe Lost if they thought they could save a buck – you can bet this means I won’t be watching the first, second, or any other episode of a serial drama on ABC until the entire current decision-making cadre has their dripping, severed heads impaled on six-foot pikes ringing the gate at Disney Studios, and their jobs filled by a random selection from the student facebook at the nearest junior high school, because a random group of seventh-graders would probably make better decisions than the folks doing that job now. So get cracking, ABC. You’ve got some pikes to fill.

  • Pissed Off Chick

    I’m so angry, I’m spitting nails. I come home expecting to find out what happened to Hopper, after waiting an EXCRUCIATING 7 days, and what’s on my video tape? Reruns of wanna-be feel-good HooHa, instead of Day Break!!! What are they gonna do, cancel Christmas next? Bastards!

  • Pissed Off Chick

    I’m so angry, I’m spitting nails. I come home expecting to find out what happened to Hopper, after waiting an EXCRUCIATING 7 days, and what’s on my video tape? Reruns of wanna-be feel-good HooHa, instead of Day Break!!! What are they gonna do, cancel Christmas next? Bastards!

  • http://again.bluesilver.org/ Dreama

    They’re taking their cues from the other networks. NBC did this first, with “Kidnapped” and Fox followed with “Vanished.” This was apparently a very bad year to be a mystery/thriller serial with established but mid-level stars (Dana Delany, Tim Hutton, Ming Na, Rebecca Gayheart, Diggs) so it seems the trick to getting people watching something that isn’t neatly wrapped up in 46 minutes is a cast of nobodies and supernatural stuff. (Heroes and Lost)

    Neither of my computers can handle 46 minutes of video, so this is now the third series that I’m never going to see resolved because of programming geared toward mouthbreathers and 15 year old boys. How charming. I’m wondering why I even bother with network TV at all anymore.

  • http://again.bluesilver.org/ Dreama

    They’re taking their cues from the other networks. NBC did this first, with “Kidnapped” and Fox followed with “Vanished.” This was apparently a very bad year to be a mystery/thriller serial with established but mid-level stars (Dana Delany, Tim Hutton, Ming Na, Rebecca Gayheart, Diggs) so it seems the trick to getting people watching something that isn’t neatly wrapped up in 46 minutes is a cast of nobodies and supernatural stuff. (Heroes and Lost)

    Neither of my computers can handle 46 minutes of video, so this is now the third series that I’m never going to see resolved because of programming geared toward mouthbreathers and 15 year old boys. How charming. I’m wondering why I even bother with network TV at all anymore.

  • http://delightfulyank.blogspot.com/ dcdave

    Sorry guys, Day Break isn’t just a little bit of a ratings loser, it’s a huge sinkhole. If the ratings suck, the networks can’t run it because they can’t sell the ads to support the show. They’re not going to change the day because they can get better ratings from crap like Men in Trees. Hell, some reruns of other shows do better than original episodes of Day Break. I agree that the decision making is lousy though. I work for an affiliate, and every time ABC ditches a show it screws up everything we do at the station.

  • http://delightfulyank.blogspot.com dcdave

    Sorry guys, Day Break isn’t just a little bit of a ratings loser, it’s a huge sinkhole. If the ratings suck, the networks can’t run it because they can’t sell the ads to support the show. They’re not going to change the day because they can get better ratings from crap like Men in Trees. Hell, some reruns of other shows do better than original episodes of Day Break. I agree that the decision making is lousy though. I work for an affiliate, and every time ABC ditches a show it screws up everything we do at the station.

  • http://www.sticksoffire.com tommy

    Hey there!

    My website includes a link to yours within my list of Tampa Blogs:
    http://sticksoffire.com/about/tampa/blogs-more/

    Would you be so kind as to return the favor?

    You can cut & paste, if you like:

    Sticks of Fire: a Tampa website

    Thanks for your consideration.

    tommy

    Sorry to post this request in your comments but i could not find your contact information.

  • http://www.sticksoffire.com/ tommy

    Hey there!

    My website includes a link to yours within my list of Tampa Blogs:
    http://sticksoffire.com/about/tampa/blogs-more/

    Would you be so kind as to return the favor?

    You can cut & paste, if you like:

    Sticks of Fire: a Tampa website

    Thanks for your consideration.

    tommy

    Sorry to post this request in your comments but i could not find your contact information.

  • Anonymous

    While at first glance this appears to put any-and-all blame for a copyright violation on the person that performs the original upload, a mostly unknown legal-concept called “CONTRIBUTORY INFINGEMENT” disney acting auditions becomes a potential nightmare for any would-be-embedder of known, or even suspected, copyrighted materials that may exist on YouTube despite their strict TOS agreements.

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