Courtesy of Redstate comes this very helpful how-to guide on getting federal funding for your own pet project through earmarks, written by the influential folks over at Venable, LLP.
You might have questions about the earmark process. The lobbyists have answers:
What can get earmark funding?
Just about anything for which the federal government provides funding, which is lots and lots and lots and lots of things.
Sounds like my four-year-old son asking for cookies…. lots and lots and lots and lots of them.
Who can get funding?
…anyone who wishes to sell something to government, or engages in an activity that is government-funded.
Wow. Given the grotesque size and scope of our government, there’s just about nobody who’s ineligible under those criteria. I drive to work over government-funded roadways. I work in a government-owned building (transportation funding, baby!). I litigate in government-funded courts. I use government-subsidized Internet. I have a government-sponsored marriage. I have government-regulated health care. I eat government-subsidized food and crap in government-regulated toilets.
Maybe I can get the feds to pay for a maid. After all, a well-maintained toilet uses less water, right?
Earmarks are surprisingly similar to computer programs, with instructions and variables and everything:
…it is not unusual for a appropriations bill section providing funds to an office (“For the Office of [name of program], $X,000,000.”) to be followed immediately by a limitation on a portion of that money (“Provided further, That of the funds appropriated under this heading that are available for [name of program], $Y00,000 may be used only for [subcategory within that program].”) Within this basic framework can be plugged in the names of the office or program, integers in place of “X” and “Y,” and the right number of zeroes.
And of course, it all comes down to greasing the skids:
Earmarking, like everything else that happens in the Congressional funding process is political. That is, to obtain an earmark it is necessary to give the Appropriations committees of the House and Senate a reason to fund your client’s project rather than the thousands of other requests they receive.
(Emphasis original). Of course, that means hiring a lobbyist – paying their firm or one just like it a pile of cash to get the earmarks you need. Nice racket.