release

I am young and have been in love with a girl for 3 years. She feels the same way as i do but there are a few complications. Well first we spent a year and a half apart. She was in Germany and I went to Hawaii. Yet when we came back together things were rekindled. We have never dated only been friends becasue we dont want to set ourselves up for dissapointment if thinsg dont work out. I am currently living 11 hours away from her going to university. Everytime I go home we hope that one day we can be together. We are planning on living with eachother next summer in vancouver while she finsishes school. I am 20 and she is 19. We are so young but liking ehr so much has completely put an end to trying to see anyone else because i have no feelings for any of the girls that I have dated. And there are lots! And i really try. But i dont want anyone else. If things go well next summer im planning on asking her to marry me december of 2007. The thing is that being so far away from her it is hard to show ehr how much I care. What do you think of my situation and what can I do. I want this more than anything but i dont want to get to serious b4 we are actually together becasue i dont want things to die in our absence. Plz help. Thanks
Mike

I don’t normally give out romantic advice, and I know very little about you and your girlfriend, but your note did make me think of a few things.

Let’s review what you’ve told me:

1. You’re young.

2. You’ve been in love with her for three years, and she loves you too. (Since you were 17 and she was 16!)

3. Despite being in love with each other, you’ve “never dated.”

4. Most of the time you’ve been in love with each other (or you with her) has been while you’ve lived very far away from each other.

5. You’re planning on asking her to marry you.

6. You don’t want to “Get serious” while you’re still apart because you’re afraid that would damage your relationship.

I think proposing to this girl anytime soon would be a mistake, given that you haven’t even dated yet and don’t even live anywhere near each other right now. I doubt you know enough about yourself to know what kind of person would make a good life partner for you, and it sounds like you guys might not have had the kind of serious talks about what you both want out of life to figure out if you’re a good match for each other. At this point, you may both be too young to even know that and how it might change in the next 5 - 10 years. Also, it doesn’t sound like you know what her answer would be if you did ask her to marry you. That, to me, says that you’re not ready to ask.

You say you want to give it shot and if “the summer” goes well, you’ll propose. Why the hurry? Why not actually date each other for a while - maybe a year - and see how it goes? Take the time to really get to know each other, and get a better understanding of what each of you needs in a lifelong match. (It’s harder, in my opinion, to do this if neither of you has had any prior serious relationships.) Only then, once you know what each other wants and needs and know that you can provide that for each other, should you consider a permanent step like marriage.

Well me and him we said we love each other but then he would always be saying how things used to be for his girlfriend The thing is that I really got annoy of him doing that but I didnt want him to think that i’m jealous or anything what shoud I do?I mean its been 56 months already and I dont know how to tell him I mean I tell him things but not how he say and talk about his ex girlfriend I get so mad at him sometimes knowing that his ex still likes him and that she live so much closer then him then I do since I live 3 hours away from him

Well… I’am a girl, and I like this girl… she feels the same way about me, we got together, then we broke up because she was haveing family problems and she needed to be alone to sort things out, she said she still loves me and she wanted to get back with me as soon as things were sorted but… she told me yesterday that she cant because she doesnt want to hurt me, she says that when she gets close to someone she will end up hurting them, she sed she doesnt want to do that to me that why she cant be with me, i have tried telling her that i want to be with her no matter what but she sed she will end up hating me and she sed if she did do that she would end up hating herself even more that she does now =[ what do i do? i really want to be with her =[
and i am sorry if people read this and they are homophobic.

Sarah, you can’t make someone want to be with you. This girl is telling you that she doesn’t want to be with you, and most important, she’s telling you that she’s not ready for a relationship, at least not one with you.

You said that she told you she would end up “hating” you and “hating herself” if she got back with you - does this sound like someone who’s able to have a relationship? Take her at her word, and let her figure out things for herself.

If she sorts things out, and you both want to be together later, that’s great. In the meantime, you might want to find some other people to spend time with who are comfortable with themselves and want to be with you.

Well right now I just went through this problem with my two close friends. I love this girl and my friend does too. But, a time period came up where they became close enough to become intimate with each other sexually. It happened at a really important time in my life. my 18tyh birthday. I’ve forgiven them for it but I can’t seem to figure out why I keep feeling like I’m a bad person for still wanting her. Like I would still have a chance later in life with her. I want to be her friend but I don’t want to give up on her. I stil want to show her I love her but it seems that I can’t do it the way I intended to. And she lives far away and doesn’t like me that way but I only think she’s sayiing that because of her past relationships with other guys. I need help.

Mark, it sounds like you’re still pretty close to your 18th birthday - and probably, so is this girl you’re talking about. You are both - or should I say, you three are - still learning about who you are, let alone what kind of person you want to be with.

This one is appealing, in part, because you think you have a chance with her. But she’s made a different choice, both in her words and her actions. She’s chosen someone else, at least for now. If you don’t believe her when she says she’s not romantically interested in you, then you’re not respecting her. You are assuming either that she’s lying to you or that she’s not able to make her own decisions when they aren’t ones that make you happy.

Why would you want to be with someone you don’t respect - or just as bad, someone who doesn’t respect you?

At this time in your life, you don’t need to find yourself a soul mate. Find someone you enjoy spending time with, who likes and respects you, and who you feel the same way about. It doesn’t matter, at this point, if your life goals may not match five years from now. If you ever want to form a relationship with someone who could be your soul mate, you’ll need to learn how to take the first steps towards building a meaningful relationship with whom you have a mutual attraction.

If someone had told me this when I was 18, I would have laughed at them, because my 18-year-old self was only looking for one thing. But sooner or later, hopefully before it’s too late, you’re going to learn a lot of the things I just said. If you’re realistic, you’ll probably agree with most of what I’ve said, and like I did, you’ll wish you’d learned it a little sooner to save yourself some heartache.

This girl? Let her go. If the people you become years from now really want to be together, you’ll find a way to be together. If not, then you haven’t wasted months, years, or longer pining for someone when you could have been finding true love somewhere else.

I accidentally deleted a comment:

my name is ryan im 14 ive been going out with this really special girl called maeve she means the world to be, weve been going out for 10 months now and i am absulatly certian im in love with her i was in love with her long before i asked her out everythings always went perfect with us and even though i wanted to i never asked for sex, weve always loved each other crazily and ive always had this weird feeling that i cant describe but last week on msn she was breaking up with me nd nd i pleaded with her not to so she didnt i have another chance bt she said its her feelings have changed, mine havent, she asked if we could just go casual and i said okay so we are but im really afraid shes going to break up with me please help im feeling really lost and panacky and i cant live without her il do any thing to keep her, ino im in love because i thought i was in love before and it felt nothing like this and i still ended up suicidal over it, theres no danger of me doing it this time because i care too much about maeve to do that because it would break her heart but please tell me what do do, how do i tell her how much i love her when she doesnt love me back please help. its not somrthing i feel i can talk to anyone about.

Ryan: At 14, you’re just at the very beginning of what I will call your “romantic life” - it’s like you’re just learning how to walk. You’re going to be unsteady on your feet, and you might be quite scared sometimes, but keep in mind that figuring out how to work a relationship is something many people take decades to figure out. This girl, no matter how special she is to you now, is just beginning her life, too. Over the next four, five, or ten years you both are going to become very different people than who you are now.

In other words, she may be the love of your “right now” but she’s probably not the love of your life. And she shouldn’t be.

If you have fun together, great. Even if you’re in love with her, that’s wonderful that you know - at such a young age - what love feels like. But remember this: she may be your first love but she will not be your last. Years from now, if you handle this properly right now, you’ll look back and remember her fondly as the first girl you ever loved. And having done that will help prepare you for the next one. So try to keep that in mind. Don’t panic or do anything irreversible. If you feel overwhelmed or over your head, go find someone to talk to, preferably someone who’s been in your situation but has a few more years of perspective.

Good luck.

thanks 4 answering but maeve broke up with me the day after i posted my comment she told me be4 that it was just her feelings changed bt that was a lie she did it because someone started a roumor that i told him that we did dirty stuff that we diddint, nd i swear on anything that i didnt bt she beleived him over me. i know who it was now, im heart broken nd i have no idea what to do and im not going to settle for just finding someone else please help

please please write back im on the edge all my freinds beleive it nd now i have none, the roumers not true and i dont know y they all beleive it cuz its not like me at all, im moving school because of it but please write back asap

I am 23. When I was 19 away at school I met a man… who I fell head over heals in love with. We were the best of friends and enjoyed spending every moment we could together. The thing was I was a student and he worked there so it was not allowed. So he quit his job and moved away to build a home for us for me to come to when I graduated. And he did that and about a year after we first met I moved there. Things were great for awhile. Then he lost his greatgrandmother. And a few days later he hit me. I took it as it was just built up anger in trying to deal with his loss. But then it happened again and again. For two years I delt with it. I became pregnant with our son and had alot of complications due to the stress I was under. I almost lost him 3 times. The doctors told my boyfriend I could not have sex it would cause me to go into labor too soon. But he still insisted. When I was 8 1/2 months prego he choked me and I called the cops I had had all I could take. He went to jail and had to have treatment. When our son was born I went back. Tried to make things work but he choked me 2 more times so I left. Its been a year now and I believe we have both made alot of changes. I want so badly for our family to be together and he says he does but he has a girlfriend that he says has been “so good to him” and he dont want to make the wrong choice. I am not sure what to do. I have waited for 10 months now for him to make a decision. And I feel like I have waited long enough but he says I am pressuring him. What do I do?

Heather, imagine yourself single and dating. You meet a new guy, one who seems to be everything you’d look for. Then you find out two things about him: 1. He’s got a girlfriend already, who he is reluctant to leave for someone else, and 2. he repeatedly beats his girlfriends even after jail time and counseling.
Would you allow this man into your home, to be near your child? Of course not. So why would you do it for your ex?
Your ex is a walking red flag, and you should count yourself lucky that he doesn’t want to be with you.
It sounds like you might need counseling to address why you you feel your family is not complete without this abusive, disinterested man you once had a relationship with, instead of someone who treats your and your son with love and respect.

I am 16 and have been in love with someone for about 2 and a half years now. The only problem is that he is my coach, and I am a boy. I knew right from the very time that I met him that there was something special about him; something that I still don’t think I’ll ever be able to find again. Ever since then I’ve loved him very much. I’ve seen him almost every day since then and we’ve become good friends. My love for him has only gotten stronger each day, but recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can’t be together, and it just hurts so much. I’d do anything for a just a chance to be with him, to hold him, to spend one night with him. I know that it can’t happen. At the same time, I feel as though in a way, he loves me like a son… We’re very close but it’s not like he knows I’m bi or that I love him the way I do. I sort of want to tell him that I love him, but not in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable or weird around me. I cherish our friendship and I don’t want it to be ruined over this. I just can’t take it anymore. I need him so bad. I know what I’m saying is jumbled… but can you help me? Anything will be helpful.

Anonymous, I don’t know what state you’re in, but it’s a pretty safe bet to say that your coach would get in a whole lot of trouble having an affair with a 16-year-old boy in his charge. At the least, he’d lose his job, and at the worst, he could end up in prison.
That’s assuming he has feelings for you.
Understand that your feelings for your coach, whatever they might be, are at the moment secondary to figuring out who you are and figuring out how to live your life as you are. I have no specific advice for you except that you’re not the first person to face this problem, and those who have faced it before you will no doubt have a truckload of good advice for you.
Do yourself and your coach a favor, though. Forget him for at least two years, until you deal with all the issues you’ve got ahead of you. You don’t want to be outed in a courtroom, and neither would he.
EDIT: I have been told that these folks may be able to help you: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Okay well i’m 16 and i was dating this guy for 3 months. we broke up a few weeks ago but even before we even started dating we were really good friends. and we were best friends through out our relationship, well when we broke up he completely quit talking to me even after he said that we’d be best friends for like and nothing would come in between us. well last week i found out that his little brother and both of his close cousins like me. i’m starting to wonder if they might have said something to get him to turn against me because i know that he would believe his family over me even though i had never lied to him or hurt him. i loved him so much and he just like took my heart out of my chest and cut it in to tiny pieces.. Can you help me figure out what i should do?

Kristan, it’s never fun to lose a friend to something like this. Unfortunately, you don’t really say why the two of you broke up and why he stopped talking to you. Part of it, no doubt, is age - at 16, some guys are not too sure what they want… except for the obvious.
Ultimately, you need to remember that every relationship takes two - and if he’s not willing to even talk to you, there’s not a lot you can do to fix it except let some time pass.
I wouldn’t recommend dating his brother or his cousins, though. If you’re ready to date someone else, make it someone outside his circle - especially his family.

Well i’m 17 i’ve been going out with this girl for about a year in a half, she’s 15 gonna be 16 and i got deep feelings for her and she feels the same we broke up a couple of times but we always end up getting back together.i don’t know if i’m in love or not. and if i am i’m to scared to tell she is to..she is always talking bout me and her future and what am i gonna do after i graduate i told her i’d wait for her what should i do..

forgot something else
i meant to say she asked me i i would wait for her.