release

So it’s 9:30-ish on Wednesday night, and my TV is off, because instead of Day Break, ABC is running repeats of the George Lopez show. As if that crap gets funnier with age, like Mad Dog or Night Train.

It seems that the dentally-disadvantaged inbreds used to determine the Nielsen ratings stopped watching the show after the wrap-up of its former lead-in, Dancing With Minor Space Debris (actual title may vary). Because, you know, that’s the target audience for a drama with a complicated plot, multiple levels of existential angst, and a cast that could turn in an honest-to-goodness acting performance (with the peculiar exception of the lead, Taye Diggs, whose primary method seemed to be emulating the whiny 16-year-olds on that MTV birthday party show instead of an actual tough guy like say, Jack Bauer. Or Jack Shepard. Or even Jack Black, for God’s sake. But I digress.)

Now, this is a show that ABC ordered for an entire run of 13 episodes. They’ve already paid for the whole run. Not just the season - the whole show. It ends after thirteen. (Well, six.) ABC didn’t have to axe the show entirely. They could have moved it to a different time slot, like Friday, or Sunday, or Saturday, when no one’s actually watching anyway but anyone with a TiVo could at least optionally catch the rest of the plot. Even four in the morning would work. It wouldn’t have cost them another dime, and they could have suckered some poor schmuck of an advertiser to but that slot. But no. They’re not showing it on the network at all. What are they doing?

Releasing it on the Internet. Well, guess what, ABC? The old TV-and-Internet combo sucked back when Microsoft called it WebTV, and it still sucks now. Let’s see… I could watch a mystery/action thriller on my Samsung widescreen with Marantz-powered surround sound pumping through Boston Acoustics subwoofer and surround speakers, or I could watch it on my 17″ laptop screen with 2″ speakers on either side of the keyboard - a keyboard which, since it’s on a PowerBook, glows.

Oh yeah, give me that show on the Internets, ABC! Me love you long time for that!

Well, screw you, ABC. You’re definitely getting Dick in a Box for Christmas this year.

And since ABC can’t be trusted not to cancel quality television in the face of a ratings sag - I don’t even trust them not to axe Lost if they thought they could save a buck - you can bet this means I won’t be watching the first, second, or any other episode of a serial drama on ABC until the entire current decision-making cadre has their dripping, severed heads impaled on six-foot pikes ringing the gate at Disney Studios, and their jobs filled by a random selection from the student facebook at the nearest junior high school, because a random group of seventh-graders would probably make better decisions than the folks doing that job now. So get cracking, ABC. You’ve got some pikes to fill.