04/01/98

Fifty Uses for a Bent Penis

1. As a spinner for Naked Twister parties in the Oval Office
2. Launch our nuclear arsenal from around a corner
3. Presidential boomerang
4. To make decisions for President in case of incapacity - or whenever
5. Intern dowsing rod
6. Open canned dog food for Buddy
7. Presidential staple remover
8. Crowbar to break into Republican National Committe offices
9. Handy excuse to avoid sex with Hillary when the "trick knee" line gets old
10. Instead of wet finger, to test wind direction
11. New Independent Counsel when Bubba fires Ken Starr
12. Dipped in ink, to sign bills into law
13. Prototype for Pentagon's new "Bubba Missile"
14. Substitute for embargoed Cuban cigars
15. Replacement for Joe Camel as tobacco company mascot
16. "Pull my finger," Bubba-style
17. Phone dialer
18. Backup for laser pointer during National Security briefings
19. Wag it for emphasis when denying salacious rumors
20. Political cartoonists' update of tired Pinocchio gag
21. Sell replicas bearing Presidential Seal at White House gift shop
22. Model for renovation of Washington Monument
23. Mile-high indicator in Air Force One
24. Presidential towel holder
25. Give it to visiting heads of state in lieu of White House cuff-links
26. To snake the Oval Office toilet
27. Bell ringer for Buddhist temple
28. Send to exotic countries as U.S. diplomatic envoy
29. Gavel to call Cabinet meeting to order
30. To serve as Acting Assistant Attorney General
31. Rub it with sticks to start a fire on Camp David sleepovers
32. Lead negotiator for Kyoto Treaty
33. Bookmark when flipping through enemies' FBI files
34. The weapon that really killed Vince Foster
35. Feature on T-shirts proclaiming "I rode Air Force One!"
36. Next mayor of Washington, D.C.
37. Hold it up in triumphant gesture for eerily Nixonian photo-op
38. If out of rolled-up newspaper, a way to discipline Buddy
39. Stirrer for George Stephanopolis' grande mocha latte
40. Key grip on set of Primary Colors
41. To put next to Teddy Roosevelt on Mt. Rushmore
42. Ghost writer of Presidential memoirs
43. East German spy - deep cover!
44. Middleman for waterfront land deals
45. Presidential door knocker
46. Bag man to shake down Indonesian donors
47. Scapegoat for fundraising scandals
48. Arkansas Troopers' new "Billy Club"
49. James Carville's stunt double
50. For Hillary, not a damn thing!

All blatherings copyright 1999 by the author. All rights reserved. You can look, but don't touch. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's blatherings.

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