10/26/99

Go Pat Go - Get the hell out of my party

It's finally happened. Patrick J. Buchanan has bolted the Republican Party, taking his Brigades with him. Apparently attracted by $13 million in federal matching funds and the prospect of better satellite reception, (depending which way Ross is facing) this former Nixon aide, this on-again off-again Crossfire host has decided to run as an anti-establishment candidate, slamming those he calls "the Beltway elite."

It goes without saying that Pat Buchanan, a self-described "lifelong Republican," is no more anti-establishment than Marx (Karl or Groucho, your pick) was a venture capitalist. From his home in Fairfax, Virginia, Buchanan could toss silver dollars across the Potomac at the White House. Far from an outside-the-Beltway man, he spends more time inside the Beltway than even the man he seeks to replace -- although the Fondler-in-Chief has an obvious problem staying within the confines of any belt. Even so, Patrick J. Buchanan is a career politician, even when hacking out a living on the fringes of respectability as a commentator. Now he seeks to do... what?

He will not find a warm welcome waiting for him the in Reform Party. That group, under the spiritual leadership of a man now called "the Mind," will take to the ramparts in defense of their party. Ventura has already called Buchanan a "sacrificial lamb" whose purpose is to destroy the Reform Party. His religious views don't square with Pat's, either - in a famous Playboy interview, the Governor called religion a "crutch for weak-minded people." For someone whose current political office was won largely on his ability to body-slam opponents into the folding chairs at ringside, the irony of this remark is not small.

But wait - it gets even better. Just as Buchanan was making his announcement, The Donald stepped forward to be the party's white knight. Yes, this is the same Donald Trump of the many wives, a man who has the dubious distinction of running several multi-million corporations into the ground, a man who wouldn't know sound fiscal policy if it snapped on a rubber glove and gave him a prostate exam. It's last call at the Reform Party Saloon, and Jesse took what he could get before the lights came on. Warren Beatty, apparently, failed to make eye contact.

Most of the problem is that, dislikable as he may be, Buchanan stands for something - border blockades, brown shirts, and boxcars, to name a few. The Reform Party, by contrast, stands mostly against things. Even on campaign finance reform, one of the party's central tenets, the Reformers agree that they don't like the current system, but can't agree on how to fix it. Some want no limits on campaign contributions, some would rather ban campaign contributions altogether and make election decisions based upon Katie Couric's endorsements.

The conflict in the foreign policy arena is even worse - Buchanan is now famous for arguing that the U.S. should focus on defending its borders rather than intervening across the globe. Pat has some very specific ideas, and devoted an entire book to them. The Reform Party's foreign policy plan, in its entirety, is "proactive" - which apparently means aggressively collecting a complete set of Risk cards and passing the dice to NATO.

Simply put, the Reform Party is an empty vessel idea-wise, whose role in this coming election is to serve as a souped-up Brinks Truck for the candidate who can win the vote. Pat Buchanan has smashed the window and is reaching for the keys. The question is, once he gets into the drivers seat, where will he go?

All blatherings copyright 1999 by the author. All rights reserved. You can look, but don't touch. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's blatherings.

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